AT LAST

Today we had another group meeting in English class. And by the grace of any supernatural being out there, my groupmates are participating! They’re not as quiet anymore, and are starting to volunteer for parts and responsibilities! Hmm… perhaps they’ve grown sick of my talking (what took them so long?). Or maybe because it finally sunk in that our report would be next week. We set a rehearsal for tomorrow afternoon, but since my class lasts until 4:00, I’m gonna have to catch up with them. Besides, I have a minor role and I’m mostly in charge of props and backdrops (probably because I’m the only painting major there).

I do hope they’ll continue participating actively until reporting day… geez, I feel like a mother to these kids…x__x

It doesn’t matter, though. The point is, they’re working! Yay!

---

By the way, I have an exam on Art History on Wednesday.

>________<

Street Chic

Yes! I am Queen of the Road! No one can conquer my territory!!

…

I pretty much dominated the streets of the city business center today doing my homework for my electives. For some reason, professors Buwan and Dimalanta (of sequential art) did a collaboration project for a joint class: photo comics. It’s basically sequential art using photos instead of drawings. The difficult part about this is you don’t have constant characters, unless you get models or volunteers to pose for you… hahaha yeah. Hard. It’s a good thing I don’t have to make one for each class because I’m taking both as electives!

I did something along the lines of “a soul searching for the perfect body” or something like that. Gives me an excuse to eliminate a main physical character while inserting many different characters to the story. This took me one whole day of walking, stealth-mode photography, and a whole lot of guts to pull that off. I’ve yet to compile them into a coherent storyline, though. But I’ll save that for another day.

Tonight, I sleep.

Be good to yourself

That’s what Francis’ message told me this morning. Good ol’ Ran-ran, always giving wonderful advice. So with my remaining week allowance (thank goodness Mika treated us yesterday. They really have such expensive taste!)…

get this…

I went shopping.

Wha?!? Me? Shopping?? That didn’t sound right. I guess those girls had rubbed more influence on me than I imagined.

Well of course I go to malls and buy stuff once in a while, but I usually go for movies or food. But this time I really shopped for clothes.

My loot? Three pairs of pants, four shirts, and a jacket.

It helped that there were clothes sales galore, plus I brought along a chunk of my savings as emergency money, because I absolutely just had to get that pair of jeans that fit so perfectly; and that jacket was love at first sight! Once I tried them on, I didn’t let them go.

…

O_o

Man, I’m starting to sound like Fritzi, the ramp model.

Then again, I really, really enjoyed today… well, probably because I let myself binge on almost anything I wanted. Heheheh.

There goes my savings... hahah. oh well.

Feel left in

Girls’ day out? ME?? For somebody who’s actually more at ease with members of the opposite sex, spending time with the girls is not exactly part of my normal everyday activities.

Heheh. I was forced into it, actually. Today is Mika’s birthday and she wanted the old group reunited. The “group”, by the way, are the first people I made friends with in college. Three of them shifted out, leaving me and Salome in our original course. Even Sal and I drifted apart, though we’re together usually in class… but not like before.

So there was Mika, Salome, Butter (don’t ask), Fritzi, and the reluctant-but-fine-it’s-her-birthday-and-I’ve-got-no-excuse ol’ me at a cozy restaurant just outside the campus.

Of course we talked mostly about reminiscence: our daily lunch escapades that left us almost always late for our 1:30pm class and practically no money; our batchmates; our professors… eventually it led to more recent events. And while they gleefully talked of their other friends and suitors and boyfriends, I just sat and watched and listened. Apparently these four have been keeping in touch without me but I didn’t mind. I find amusement in watching them tell stories and laugh and shriek and gossip.

I’ve often wondered how I hit it off with these girls. They are so… girly. I guess it game with the circumstances on the first day of freshman year (actually they were the only ones around at the time). I never really imagined myself to be “one of the girls”, but here I am, with the girls, and I’m enjoying it. :)

Do you get the picture?

ROFL!!

Sir Buwan is absolutely—unquestionably—the unprecedented highlight of every week!

We were having a slide show of old and new photos, trying to see what differences there were in terms of theme, composition and technique, among others. Some of the old photos were those by his mother. And she’s really good. Then suddenly, we were faced with a projector-screen-sized photo of a young Sir Buwan!!

“How the F*CK did that get there?!?”

With our without sir’s bluntly profane exclamation, the whole class roared with laughter, as each one of us instantly recognized him, though it looked like the photo was taken at least ten years ago. For one thing, the hair was… bwahahahah!! And sir just had to think aloud and talk to himself…

“Aw man, Blitz messed with my slides again!” (‘Blitz’ is Miss Liwanag, sir B’s friend and professor of literature and creative writing).

“She’s gonna pay for this… as sure as my hair was long when I was fourteen, I shall take my revenge!! MUHAHAHAHAAA~~~!!!”

-------silence-------

And the whole class succumbed to laughter once again.

Okay fine, the picture was really nice if you look at it from an art point of view, though it looked more like a stolen shot than one what was really composed. But sometimes it’s better that way. :) I’ll ask sir about it sometime.

Stayin’ Cool

If that’s the way he wants to play, then so be it.

It’s not like I can’t survive without an indispensable companion. In fact, that’s how I’ve lived for most of my life (Francis doesn’t count because he qualifies by default)

Ha, ha. Yeah, I’m a lone wolf.

Well, sure I got friends, imaginary or otherwise. But they’re all… I daresay… transient. “Friends are forever”? HAH! Been there, done that, didn’t work.

Should I list them down? In chronological order:
1. Kate — friend since childhood who suddenly disappeared from all conversation, which led me to…
2. Gin — the logical choice at the time, since we were the same in terms of being ignored by Kate and company. Too bad she was too drunk (pun intended) from her love interests.
3. Miguel — err… okay. Let’s not talk about him for a while.
4. Loots — us and our famous L-L partnership? Fizzled.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t do anything to make them leave or never ever talk to me again. More often than not, it just happens, whether I knew the reason or not.

Once a wolf, always a wolf, huh? I could live with that.

Is there anything nicer than being able to forget the time?

Nothing is.

Especially when you love what you’re doing.

I guess this is the reason I went for this course, and why I never left.

Contrary to what most artists do, I don’t draw inspiration from what I’m feeling. I don’t paint what’s inside me.

I paint what’s not inside me.

I’ve always been able to do that: blocking off anything that’s bothering me—even time—and it shows in my work. It’s almost instinctive.

Sometimes this gets me in trouble, like one time when in fourth grade we listened to music then we had to draw what we felt. Hahaha. Tough luck for me, the music was supposedly sad. My work was rainbows and candy canes and stars, complete with Emerald City in the distance. :D

Other than that, though, this works to my advantage. It gives me peace of mind, even for just a few hours.

Out of Whack

I knew it from the start: this is not a good day.

I get days like this sometimes, suddenly waking up to a gloomy disposition for no particular reason. The difference today is that I know why.

He was not at the station.

He was not at the café.

He sat up front in class.

He’s mad, no doubt.

And when he’s mad, he ignores people.

He’s ignoring me.

How the hell am I supposed to talk to him now? Here I am, rotting from the inside and he’s over there making it all worse.

…

Wait a minute, why am I the one feeling apologetic?? He’s the one who’s been a jerk all this time; he should be the one feeling sorry! Fine, so I shouted at him, but he’s the one who started it! It’s his fault that I’ve been having bad days so early into the year. It’s all his fault.

What color is your crash?

I hate this. It’s the feeling I get when I know I’m about to cry but I don’t want to. It’s the feeling of being phenomenally… sick.

I spent most of the day lying in bed telling my story to Francis, my cousin who oh-so-conveniently dropped by to visit.

The day started out fine, actually. We were eating his homemade cake in my room until he brought B into the conversation. I had been determined not to think about it. It had worked for me before: living on as if nothing happened, then soon it’d somehow disappear. But this is Francis I’m talking to—my twin, my other half. Nothing is unsaid between us. So I rant. I told him everything from initial worries to learning the news to my still-fuming rage at B for being mad at me for doing nothing.

When I finished I glanced at him staring at the ceiling. We were just…there, for a few minutes. Finally he turned to me, shrugged, and said, “The truth can hurt—get used to it.”

My world crumbled to the ground. I felt my wings break and I fell hard on the ground of reality. It’s a sucky feeling and I found myself, though I didn’t want to, sobbing on my covers, my pillows, and my Francis.



What color is your crash?

My color is Black.

Slings and Arrows

“Be at the station. 30 minutes.”

AAUGH! Black is so arrogant!! Could you imagine?!? What kind of message is that? It’s like he’s asking for a fight!

…which, by the way, we actually did on the deserted station overpass.

His grievance? He said I was being selfish and inconsiderate of his feelings.

Reaction #1: What the—?!? Where’d he get that from??

Answer #1: That witch KC squealed last night. I mean, she actually cried because she said she felt I hated her.

Reaction #2: Well sure I don’t like her. She’s insufferable!

Answer #2: “You’re insufferable!”

Okay, that pretty much started it. The opposite ways we go to at the end of each day has just taken on a new level of meaning. In a span of two weeks, this girl has turned B into a complete asshole.

What, is it bad to try to protect a friend from brain burnout? Is it selfish to think about his academic welfare? Is it insensitive to worry about (highly) possible heartbreak??

To B, apparently, it is.

And This Year’s Title Goes to…

10:15am
So far so good. I’m here in the college library. Doing… well… nothing. I’m leafing through this pile of books but I can’t seem to find anything useful.

12:54 pm
Just finished a five-minute meal. I didn’t get anything from the library earlier. My adviser isn’t around.
I wanna go home.

2:00pm
Waiting waiting wasting away…
I arranged before lunch to meet Sir Buwan for 1:30… I was supposed to ask him some stuff for my thesis (this is Thesis-work-day after all). He’s not here yet…
…
Oh wait, I hear running feet and “sorry, sorry!” heheh. Sir’s here.

4:26pm
At the Kapihan, waiting for B. Gah… I can’t seem to finish this drink I ordered. I know I need something in my stomach but it’s feeling kinda upside-down at the moment.
Topsy turvy, topsy turvy… x___x
It’s the same feeling I used to get when I’m about to meet up with Miguel.
Who’s Miguel? Ahahaha… um… he… he’s a guy I used to “go out with”… if you can call what we did “going out”. Err… long story. >__<

10:30pm
GRAAAAAARAAAARGH!!!!

Finally I get to scream. Even though it’s only here… in type.

I was in total hyper-speed mode throughout dinner. I am the epitome of fast talking. I was so fast I don’t remember half of what happened. But I do remember HER.

She’s Supermodel-y.

And I’m not just talking about her looks. I admit, she’s pretty… fine her face is PERFECT. What I’m talking about is that she is the stereotypical “Supermodel” image made flesh. …or should I say skin and bone?

Stick figure-thin complete with wire clothes hanger shoulders; latest fashion clothes and make-up, accessories and the works; a head with a beautiful face, perfect hair, and absolutely no brain whatsoever.

I’m serious! Spend an hour trying to converse with her and your brain will turn into incoherent mush. No wonder Black can stand her inanity: she has turned Black’s brain into jello.

Okay. Really really seriously now. She’s definitely not the type of person I would imagine B would go for. Wasn’t it B who stood with me at magazine stand windows laughing at the covergirls? Wasn’t it he who said his “ideal” should encompass his bookworm-ness? I don’t understand it. I just don’t.

Of course I had to put up a “nice girl” front. It’s kinda instinctive for me when I’m with mere acquaintances. But now that I think of it, I so wish that I hadn’t and try to knock some sense into the guy. I guess this is why I shifted to hyperspeed-mode. I wanted everything to happen so quickly so everything would be done and over with. I couldn’t stand it. Black can not be serious about this.

The Power Play

Black is getting to be annoying. :(

I know I predicted this. I should’ve just said I didn’t want to… oh well.

…

Fine, so I’m meeting this girl he supposedly likes (>____<). What’s the big deal??

…

okay, I’m staring at the screen again.

…

What IS the big deal?

Well for one thing, since she came along he’s been neglecting not only his classes, but also ME.

…

Man, that was selfish. Did I actually think that up?

… (seems like I’m using the ellipsis a whole lot today… see?)

But it’s true, isn’t it? I feel he’s becoming less and less of himself since school started. I mean, where was he when I was feeling so aargh about my groupmates? Since when did he say just “Hi, L” then leave without saying anything? Since when did he not notice I was in a rotten mood??

Since she came into the picture, that’s when.

Then again, as if I could do anything about it.

…

…could I?

NonStop

This day has been brought to us by the letter “B” and the word “Friday”.

I knew it. There was no escaping him.

It turned out that Black called mom last night before I came home and asked her if they had plans for Friday night. Of course there weren’t because I just made that up.

So there was B, wearing a triumphant smile all day and mumbling “Friday” all through our reading exercise until the professor shushed him. Then he started passing me notes that read… guess what? “FRIDAY.”

Can you imagine what’s next?

Tuesday: painting day.

We were working in the studio today. I was opening the jar of calligraphy ink when Salome beside me suddenly said, “Black.”

“Yes, Sal. I know what color this is, thank you.”

“No, it’s Black,” she pointed to the door.

Okay. So there was Black at the inner courtyard waving his arms around like a crazed idiot—or maybe a too-fat chicken trying to fly—probably to catch my attention (and everybody else’s). I would’ve liked to just sit there and watch him make a fool out of himself, but I’m a merciful person so I stepped out of the room to stop him.

B looked as giddy as a child in a zoo for the first time. So I was supposing that this wouldn’t be about my behavior yesterday.

“You left me behind yesterday! I said I had something to tell you.”

“I had a class right after English. You know that.”

“I do? …oh yeah!! Hahahah! I forgot about it!”

…

I had an eyebrow raised and a foot ready to turn me back to class. “Okay. Whatever, B.” I guess Cranky Laura was still with me.

“Hey, wait. I haven’t said what I came here for.”

“Shoot.”

Know what he said? He said thanks and sorry for me worrying about him. “I should’ve told you earlier,” I quote. “After all, you are my best friend.”

That actually gave me my first smile for this week. Of course he just had to continue talking.

“It’s good, though, that you kinda forced me into talking. I was having quite a struggle on how I was gonna tell you about KC…”

Ah, so her name’s KC…

“And now that that’s out in the open, I want you to meet her!”

If I had been drinking at the time, B’s face would’ve been dripping wet by then.

I tried giving my thesis work as an excuse, but B insisted that I could have the whole day for thesis and could still have dinner out with them.

I finally said I might have a family thing on Friday night so I wasn’t sure (of course that wasn’t true…). He let me go with that for the moment, but I’m sure he’ll be bugging me for the rest of the week until I have a real excuse.

Unknown to Black, all I really wanted to say was, “meet the one who stole your time away from me? I don’t think I’m ready for that.”

Being cranky when I want to be

Why does the world seem to be ganging up on me on this particular day?

The second-to-the-worst part of it is that I seem to remember everything in full detail.

The worst part of it is that B seems to be too blissfully ignorant to notice.

I had my Monday all planned out yesterday: first I wake up early and go straight to the Kapihan to avoid their morning rush; then go to my thesis adviser (a different one, not Sir Buwan) to consult on some new ideas; then get to my classes early (not just on time) and be a good, participating student; then go straight home to work on whatever my adviser would say. Simple enough, right?

I only reached up to the “wake up early” part. Then it twisted out of control after that.

It started with the train station. My ticket got stuck!! Rargh!! It took the staff forty minutes to fix the damn thing. It would’ve been easier if they gave me a replacement card, but nooo… they said “don’t worry, ma’am, we’ll get it out in a few minutes,” like darned pre-recorded robots.

The Kapihan was packed by the time I got there so I didn’t even bother. So much for my “make me feel good about Monday” drink…

I tripped five times walking to my college complex (yes, I counted). The last one was on the stairs going up to the faculty offices where my adviser… [dramatic pause] was nowhere to be found. What I did find was a note saying she would be gone for the rest of the week.

Great. By then I had two hours to waste. And waste it I did.

With that much time, of course I got to Art History class early (yay!). And since I studied so much yesterday that I knew today’s topic by heart, I’d definitely participate in discussions (double yay!). But today just had to be the day when the professor totally deviates from her teaching plan and decides to give a graded recitation on the next topics.

Needless to say, the day wasn’t going as well as I planned it to, as illustrated by the equation: A x 10ⁿ, where A = “aargh!” and “n” approaches infinity exponentially against time.

With my morning ruined, might as well let it go all the way, right? Not that it was my intent to be cranky. It all just came naturally by the way things were going.

And I’m in that exact cranky-mode when Black came in for Eng. Lit., just before the professor called the roll. At least he’s not late today, technically.

Then he starts talking. “Hey, you weren’t at the station earlier! I almost got late for class.”

“I was early.”

“Well you could’ve called me so I didn’t have to wait,” he mock-sulked.

I just shrugged. The prof announced that today we had to work on our reports. Oh great, I have to be all leader-y again.

I hardly noticed that B had begun his Oh-how-lucky-I-was-this-morning narrative, which I interrupted by making him go to his own group.

As expected, my group ended up nodding and agreeing to everything I said. I kept sideglancing at B’s group and the other ones who were all active and happy. I looked at my own group. I only wish they were the least bit as active as the others. Even a little opposition would’ve been nice.

When my group was finished (how long could it take if I was the only one talking?) B went up to me and pulled me over to his group as they were finishing up, saying he had something to tell me afterwards. But they didn’t finish up quickly for all the group’s suggestions and all-around active-ness.

Class period was finished. They weren’t.

“B…”

blah blah blah was all I could make out.

“Black, I have to go.”

“wait just a sec… blah blah blah”

I left.

Things didn’t improve after that. By the time I arrived at my last class (breathing heavily from all that running), my things were in total disarray due to my tripping (again) on the exact same spot on those stupid stairs.

Today is simply the perfect day for everything to go wrong.

work

Work, work, work, work, work.

If a research thesis could be done in a day, this day would probably be it.

Looking for Intelligence in Ice Cream

I have officially stared at the computer screen for thirty minutes.

Kinda like what I did earlier after lunch. I took out some ice cream, drizzled it with chocolate syrup…

…then stared at it for a full hour.

…

This isn’t going anywhere.

Disturbing News

WTF!?!? Black is… Black is…

…

WTF?!??

Nobody would’ve seen this coming!!

…

Okay.

*whoo* …breathe, Laura. Breathe.

Just had to get that out of me.

---

Thesis subject day is work-on-your-own day by now, but I’m still not in the mood to work on anything schoolwork-y so I spent most of my day hunting down Black… and spent the rest of it staring wide-eyed at him.

I waited outside his last period classroom, about thirty minutes before that class ends. When I was walking towards it, somebody flashed past me saying, “oh shit, oh shit” then stopped to breathe at the doorway and went in. That was Black. He’s freakin’ late again! There’s really something serious going on.

When the class finally finished, I pulled B aside just as he stepped out and held my grip on his arm so he wouldn’t suddenly go off like yesterday.

“Black, what’s wrong with you?”

He looked at me, probably with surprise at my question and why I’m there. Then he laughed. My turn to look surprised.

“Nothing’s wrong with me! What made you think that?”

I told him about his being late for classes (“I was here when you came in, you know.”), him not being himself, his invisibility… where have you been?!?

“Ah,” he nodded. “Well I had planned on not telling you until it was settled, but… you see… there’s this girl I’ve been going out with recently…”

…

o_o

I think my brain shut down at that moment.

Alma Matters

Thursday is Major Electives Day, so I hardly left my college complex, except for lunch… I’m sick of our canteen, so are my batchmates.

Having Conceptual Photography class with my adviser, idol, and favorite professor, Sir Buwan, is easily the most fun I’ve had all week (so far). He had us bring our “digits”—his term for digital cameras—and made us take pictures of ourselves! Throughout the period we were all laughing at ourselves making silly poses and faces. There wasn’t really any underlying principle or lesson or whatever with the activity. Sir Buwan said he just wanted to have something fun to start off the year.

A quote by Prof. Mike Buwan:

“I had you use your digits for two reasons. One is so you could see
your photos instantly and laugh at them at the same time, and two, so you don’t
have to worry about the people at the developing shop looking at you in a weird
way.”

Sharing the photos in class was optional, but I think I showed mine to anyone who asked. We were laughing so hard at ourselves that the next door classes kept reprimanding us for being so loud.

---

I ran into Black around lunchtime. I was walking around with Salome, a friend from my college, looking for somewhere to eat. He was looking another way so I called him, “Hey, B!”

He turned around, like I startled him or something, then he quickly said, “Hi, L.”

Then he glanced at his watch and briskly walked away.

---silence---

“What was that all about?” Sal asked.

I shrugged and answered, “he’s busy.”

In my mind I was asking myself the same thing.

---

I checked my email earlier and got this forwarded message from one of my high school classmates.

Subject: FWD: Students Reunite!

Can you believe it? It’s been four years already!
Four years into college
Four years of living our own lives
Four years since we went our separate ways.
It’s about time we looked back at our past when we were one big happy family.
And what better way to do this than by having a Grand Batch Reunion!
Take this rare chance to see the Class of 2001 back together again in our beloved Alma Mater.

“Students Reunite!” is scheduled for April 2005.
We’d love to have you back!

Okay. First things first: that was WAY cheezy. Who writes this stuff??

Then #2: they want a reunion already? What else has happened in our lives besides college anyway? We haven’t even thought of what our success stories would be about!

Not that I don’t want to have a reunion. I regularly “reunite” with my classmates every summer, so we pretty much know how each of us are during those four years. But… I don’t know. I think it’s a bit too early for everybody to get together.

After reading, I automatically went to my room and took out the box of photographs under my bed (after much messing up everything else in there). Eventually I found myself sprawled on the floor with piles of snapshots taken in high school, remembering the moments that went with each.

You’d think that I haven’t done this in ages, but honestly, I rummage through my high school stuff quite often. Whenever I’m reminded of anything that relates to it, I dig it up in the multiple boxes of odds and ends and letters collected from high school. And each time I do, I still enjoy it.

I really miss those days. We all seemed so carefree. I wonder if I’ll look back at college as I do to high school. Will I ever have days like those again? I hope so… but probably not.

Is another crisis looming?

Black’s not at the places where I usually find him.

Yesterday I wanted to talk to him for a major rant session about my groupmates, but he was nowhere to be found.

Today he’s still missing in action, starting at the train station. He always waits for me no matter how late I arrive, but he wasn’t there. He wasn’t at Eng.Lit. either. Before I went home I passed by the Kapihan, but to no avail. I walked out of the place with an iced coffee to go, but no Black.

Not that I didn’t look anywhere else. I checked the Library, his favorite food stores in-campus, the Bookstore, Pasta-Pista… raargh! Why doesn’t he get himself a mobile already?!?

…

I even asked his orgmates. They were as clueless as I was, but at least they saw him for a while when B passed by to get a book he left the day before. Some also saw him coming in late to their classes.

So that ruled out the possibility of him being absent yesterday and today…but… Black… late? B is never late! Even though I unintentionally stall him by arriving up to thirty minutes late to the train station, he’s never late for school because his first class is still one period after mine.

What’s wrong with Black? He’s not being himself lately, though I’ve only seen him twice this year. I suppose that’s the problem as well. He’s been invisible to the point of weirdness.

I just hope he doesn’t go into another The-life-I’m-living-isn’t-worth-it episode.

---

Okay, I just got off the phone with B’s mom. She said he’s having dinner out. Dinner at 10:00pm? Fine, I wont’ pry this time. At least he’s not in depression mode because eating out always means something positive…

Right?

Meeting of Minds

This early in the year and what position do I get myself into?

Group Leadership!

It’s not my fault… well, actually maybe I did have something to do with it. Something about my character that I can’t resist not doing.

You see, the groupings for reports were announced before Christmas vacation and all the time we had then was to set the meeting for the next year (today). So there we were, six of us in a circle in the Main building lobby, doing… nothing.

I had my mind set on being in the background after being heralded leader for every timid and apathetic group I’ve ever been into… but noooo… everybody just had to keep up their unrelated chatter and not even start a discussion on what we were there for. And with me being the eternal I-Don’t-Waste-Your-Time-So-Don’t-Waste-Mine person, I wasn’t about to let my morning go to waste by being stuck in this unproductiveness. I started the discussion once and for all.

Well…

I woudn’t exactly call that a discussion.

It was more like me trying to solicit substantial ideas from the group but is being bombarded by either mediocre ones or silence. And once I ask to elaborate an idea—ANY idea—they muttered (this group is the epitome of “timid”), they just take it back and say it didn’t matter.

I knew it from the start. It’s all formulaic and I can’t believe I fell for it again:
Step 1: Nobody participates until “Somebody” finally steps up.
Step 2: Nobody gives anything worth pursuing.
Step 3: The Somebody starts giving her own ideas, just to get things going.
Step 4: Everybody just agrees to her.
Step 5: The group ends up doing only what the Somebody suggested (and will suggest forever and ever until the end of the activity)
…much to that Somebody’s frustration.

That was exactly what happened. Anybody would think I’ve gotten used to this by now, but I’m not. I’m still uneasy about “leading”, especially since I still do not understand why everybody calls me the “leader type” when I’ve always preferred being out of the limelight (and still do).

I mean… People, this is a democracy, not a dictatorship! I can’t decide for everybody, and you can do something besides nodding and agreeing like dumb brainless assholes.

…

Now if only I had the guts to say that out loud…

TWILIGHT ZONE

It’s a wonder why having to wake up feels so much more difficult than just waking up on your own, even though both are done on the same time. Hmmm…did I write that clearly? What I mean is, I normally get up at around 8:00, except on extreme cases where I don’t sleep until the sun rises. Today I still woke up at 8, but this is different. WAY different.

Today was the first day of school.

When the classes start in January, it is the mark of the death of Free Time. No more watching TV or staring at the PC for no reason; no more lying in bed all day with a book; no more going out anytime I want to. Now there’s a schedule I have to follow, and schoolwork to be done during any other time I have.

Then again, this day didn’t go as bad as expected. There are people who make your day a bit more pleasant by greeting you with a smile and a “Happy New Year”. It was just like any other normal day at school, actually. Nothing seriously and drastically depressing… yet.

I met B at English Literature (the only class we had in common), and he looked so…zombie. I don’t think he got any sleep at all, which was weird because if there’s anybody who’s at ease with going back to school, it’s Black. Going back to school means the libraries are open again, so to him it’s all worth it. I kept bugging him about what he did last night, but he just stares at me with that stoned look. Fine, I’ll just leave it for another day. After class I told him, “one word, B: SLEEP.” And before I rushed to my next class, “take care.”

Just another day…at school. I still need to get that in my system. School, school, school, school. What, with only three months left to second semester? I need to get that in my head fast!

Ho, ho. Ho-hum.

thinking of you

Black called me over for our “traditional” (this was the first) New Year’s date, in commemoration of our one-year anniversary.

Black’s my best friend, by the way.

He said this was, I quote, “A time for us to recollect, eat, drink, and laugh the past year away, then forget.”

…

Never worked for me, though. The forgetting part.

For me it’s more like, “recollect, eat, drink and laugh, then try to forget but I know it’ll never work so I’ll just pretend to forget (just to get it over with) but B always has this way of knowing, so I might as well forget it.”

Hm… yeah. That.

I met up with B at our common train station (where we ride to go to school) then we went to our favorite pasta place.

It was fun, getting to spend time with B after so long. He told me of his Christmas trip abroad where he actually spent more time in the city library than sightseeing. He’s always like that.

So we talked and talked and laughed with our mouths full of the unlimited garlic bread when B suddenly asked:

“What was on your mind exactly one year ago?”

I honestly believe that my jaw actually dropped to the floor at that question. Vivid recollections flooded my head.

The first thing that I thought of as an answer was, “What was on my mind?!? You! You drop-dead gorgeous hunk… YOU!!”

…

Of course I didn’t say that.

I lamely stammered my way out of saying I didn’t remember. But I did. Oh boy, did I remember.

I met Black at the Kapihan, the café a few blocks from school. He practically rammed into me when I had just got my drink, spilling it all over the floor (but thankfully not on me) in the process. I instantly got fuming mad, but just as quickly cooled off because of the charmingly sincere way with which he was apologizing. He also offered to replace my drink.

Fate plays funny tricks sometimes, as it did with us. There were no more tables available except for one which we had to share. It was fine by me, since I always had a book handy. He seemed prepared, too, with a notebook in his hand. So there we were, strangers sharing a table, until I couldn’t help but comment, “that’s an interesting name.” He glanced up from his writing, looking…puzzled. I pointed to his cup bearing his name. “Black, I mean.”

He turned the cup to see. “Oh! That. Heheh! Yeah…not my fault… my parents seemed to like it as a name…”

“You mean it’s your real name?!?”

He shrugged. “Yeah… Unusual, but… yeah, um…what was it?” he reached over and turned my drink around to see my name, “…Laura.”

That started it. We ended up staying for five hours, with one more drink each and truckloads of talk. We found that though we lived in both ends of the city, we went to the same school, stopped at the same train stations, loved the same pasta place, and went regularly to that café, among other things we had in common.

But Black and I are still different—poles apart. He was actually honest. “Exactly one year ago I was thinking how lucky I was to have met you. I still do, by the way,” he said just before sticking another piece of bread in his mouth.

That’s B: sweet, sincere, intelligent and handsome… what most would call the “perfect guy”. I feel the same way, I believe I’m lucky to have met him, more so with the fact that we’ve become close friends.

Some have asked me, after being inseparable for so long, why B hasn’t changed from being my “best friend” to “boyfriend”.

…

How the hell am I supposed to answer that?!?

GOOD MORNING, Laura. Your life awaits.

What a great way to start the year: waking up at 2 in the afternoon.

That won’t bother me, though, unlike some of my aunts and uncles who say “You were sleeping when the new year came! You’ll be sleeping for the rest of the year!!”

Yeah right, as if I’ll actually be sleeping for the whole year.

Anyway, I don’t believe any of that stuff. “You’ll be lucky in the coming year if (and only if) you stand on your head while gargling cold mixed with a drop of squashed cockroach drunk from a golden goblet,” and such crap.

For all I care, unluckiness can come at me with bows and arrows! We’ll just have to see what happens then.

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The new year marks the start of another period in your life. Aside from this it also marks the end of another period of getting together with my relatives. Well, not until the next birthday comes up, and that isn’t for another two months.

My family is always fun to be with. Somehow I like spending time with them a lot better than my friends. Is that right? Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? That’s how most of the people I know are: they love their friends like their lives depended on it while hating the guts out of their families. I guess it depends on the family, huh?

I spent the New Year’s at my aunt’s house, as usual, with mountains of food and overflowing wine. Halfway through the night the buffet table still looked untouched. I think this is one of the things I love about my family: it’s always no holds barred. If it’s go, it’s go. Sometimes I wish I were like that, especially with facing life. I mean, I have so many inhibitions that I can’t possibly list them all. Not that I’m unconfident, mind you. It’s just that I seem to hold back a whole lot. Opportunities slip past my fingers and I’m not doing much about it.

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Another new year = another chance at changing yourself. I’ve tried that last time, but a year has passed and I seem to be the same person I was then.

…am I?

Whatever will happen this year?